Government Mind Control Infiltrates Candle Party

Candles are evil.

“The tragedy of the whole thing is that candles are so beautiful,” Chemist Benjamin Jones exhaustedly affirmed.

Jones was dressed in a Batman costume, however, for the sake of truthful journalism, we decided to hear him out.

“Certain types of candles emit toxic chemicals that nearly train the mind to become malleable. The high concentrations of benzene, toluene, acetone, lead and sometimes even psilocybin in our candles is one of many efforts of controlling the minds of the people.”

Jones has spent quite a bit of time researching and doing testing on candles in his 20 year, government-funded study of the subject. When asked why candles, he responded that, “It is part of a greater plan. I assure you that candles aren’t the only method of mind control with chemicals, specifically here in the US.”

We requested Jones explain to us who the major players are in this soothing game of cerebral governance.

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