Snooty Hybrid Drivers Are Polluting At Record Levels

I wish there was a way to beat this oil bullshit without paying $30,000.

The latest statement in “green” technology is without doubt hybrid automobiles. However, even hybrid automobiles still require burning large amounts of fossil fuels, regardless of how advanced the fuel efficiency is. Trey Kaitens, an expert in energy consumption, psychology and rare stamp appraising, has some startling news about the fuel consumption of hybrid drivers. It isn’t pretty like Max Power’s new dress.

“The majority of hybrid drivers actually use the same amount of gasoline, even with higher standards in fuel efficiency,” Trey told us, which didn’t make much sense. Sure, if you compare the fuel efficiency of a Toyota Corolla to a Chevy Silverado Hybrid, the Corolla has the upper hand. However, how could hybrid drivers on average use more gasoline than non-hybrid drivers? Trey explained, “It’s based upon the notion that driving a hybrid feels ‘safer’ as far as the environment is concerned.”

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Three More Reasons Why Macs Suck (Part 2)

Why are people still sending us hate mail telling us Macs are better than PCs? I’m back to beat the dead horse with three MORE reasons why Macs suck.

As Macs have slowly infiltrated my place of residence, clogging the intranet tubes like Steve Job’s pubic hair in the sink, I’ve become pissed beyond belief. I think Macs suck hard and here are more reasons to not buy one and avoid them at all costs.

You still can’t run Windows Millennium XP on Mac hardware, or any other awesome Microsoft products. Apple hasn’t put out a good operating system since Apple DOS 3.3 and that’s a fact. In an age where I can run Windows Millennium XP alongside Windows 95, why can’t I dual boot yet on a Mac? It is because the snobby, pretentious marketing department at Apple realizes Mac OS 9 will never live up to any Microsoft products. It doesn’t even have Notepad! What kind of operating system doesn’t have that? If I didn’t need notepad, I would run a Linux.

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Why The Apple iPhone Sucks

Steve Jobs is sustained through eating Placentas and the iPhone sucks assI am pleased to announce Blue Damage has received a shiny, coveted gadget symbolizing a higher status in the tech community. Yes, it’s an advanced copy of the Apple iPhone. I was able to get my muculent mitts around this cellular device several months in advance. A Mac employee wanting to remain anonymous is a friend of the family. Don’t worry though; it won’t affect our bias at all. In fact, we think the iPhone sucks. Hard. These reasons should give you the right to smack anyone in the face calling the iPhone revolutionary, the end all of mobile computing or the greatest thing since Full House. We liked Full House a lot, especially Dave Coulier. Saying that is almost disrespectful. On to the review, here are a few reasons why the Apple iPhone sucks the proverbial big one.

Right off the bat you realize the iPhone doesn’t come with buttons! Why would they release something without such a modernized convenience? How can you even control it? I’ve tried using wireless bluetooth keyboards, a P2 Dell laptop with Firewire 800, even a cat. How about a got damn slide out keyboard? Nothing. We finally figured out how to control the iPhone. If you use a knife, or some sort of jagged object, you can get the phone to respond to touch commands. However, this left lacerations all over the surface of the phone. They wouldn’t even buff out with a brillo pad! I figured they would have made these things rugged. Not a good start here.

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10 Things that Would Be Weird to Hate

There are things you love and things that you hate. There are also things you love to hate. Since 95% of the internet deals with things people just plain hate, we decided to do something different. Blue Damage decided to give it a spin, non-hannitized, and discuss things that are really weird to hate.

1) Clyesdales

The first thing on the list Clyesdales. Who sees those Budweiser commercials and says, “God I fucking hate Clyesdales.” No, you look at those commercials and say, “Budweiser tastes like stale chemicals.” You could also hate the company, especially if you were fired from the Keystone Light factory 6 months ago because of a “pale ale” incident. Or, you are just a beer snob because you don’t have any hobbies. Have you ever received a Clyesdale steamer? Anyhow, Clyesdales. No one hates them.

2) A Notary

The second thing is the elusive Notary. Yes, it’s quite frustrating when you have to get something notarized, but, we will focus on the actual person who is the Notary. A notary is completely neutral. There is a scenario, however, where you have to go to an actual Notary Service Center and pay a $2.00 fee.

That never happens though. You always find out someone you didn’t think would be a Notary. Like a coworker… or your wife or brother. It’s like a secret society and they probably have their own handshake. One day, it is possible Notaries will take a bigger place as government lobbyists. Then, they will be easily hated by the masses.

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The Read the Bills Act of 2006

READ THE LAWS YOU TOSSERS Accountability is the Republican theme for the upcoming election next month. Congress recently passed the The Read the Bills Act of 2006, which will finally force our elected officials to read the laws that they have been passing. Without reading. Yes, it came as a shock to us as well that the government has been passing so many laws for years that didn’t even get as much as a considerate, even if spurious, glance. “I don’t even know what I’m voting for anymore,” Ted Kennedy said in a low, sobering tone. Ted Kennedy passed the Blue Label. We took a quick swig.

“You see, how we sneak our own personal agendas into bills is to place small, extremely difficult to understand clauses deep within our bills that no one catches. The small text works wonders. This way, we have our loopholes. It’s been working this way for years, but, it will stop with this bill.” Ted told us.

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Republican Mark Foley blames Scandal on Clinton, Liberal Corruption

While it is surprising to see Mark Foley without his “child shield” in an interview, we were able to catch up with him and discuss the recent allegations and a few predictions from the Blue Damage team. One on one, via AIM. If you are wondering what a “child shield” is, it is in reference to a recent interview where Foley had several children on the stage around him to evade questions about his behavior from 2003-2005. Here is the interview.

BD: Mr. Foley, we appreciate you finding the time to speak with us.

Maf54: lets make this quick, House is on in a few mnutes

BD: Did you ever come into sexual contact with these young men?

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