Disillusioned Voter Turns to Zoltar Fortune Teller for Answers

Zoltan Voting Machine Ever wonder why the system only produces horrible, unaccountable candidates for president? Many of us are aware of the lesser of two evils principle: the idea that of two bad choices, one isn’t as bad as the other, and should be chosen over the one that is a greater threat.

A confused twenty-something living in Manhattan, Josh Hanks, was sick of looking for the answers and consoled in the advice of a Zoltar Fortune Telling machine.

Josh looked stunned at the price of one reading. “I remember as a child you could deposit 5 cents and get a reading… 75 cents seems pushing it,” Josh told us.

The quarters clinked callously through the inner workings of the heartless robot, slowly grinding our prophet to life. Josh stood back, ready for the cold, hard truth.

Zoltar began to speak in a tone all too familiar, “Why does the system produce horrible candidates? Well, I think the real question is not that at all. The real question is how would an American candidate for president be considered horrible? Surely, the inquisitive would deposit more change to receive the answers they so desire.”

Josh shock his head and deposited more of his hard-earned roots of evil.

Zoltar sprung back to life, buzzing, “How can a candidate be considered horrible when they stand for what they believe in? The candidate for office may not be right, but, they really believe in the message. The message of change! Please deposit more change.”

Josh fumbled around his pockets for more to no avail. We handed him an additional 75 cents in assorted coins. Josh started to become visibly frustrated with the Zoltar, cramming 75 more cents into the coin slot.

Zoltar continued, “Every presidential candidate cares about you as an individual. You are special. Continue to dismiss or ignore the alternatives. Continue to watch your circuses. Continue to ignore the monopolies supported by our policies. Continue to pay no attention to your currency’s value. Continue now by adding more currency.”

Josh threw up his hands with a smirk, “Well, that certainly didn’t answer my questions at all.”

All out of change, Josh slowly backed away from the perfunctory speaker and offered a clenched fist to the thin glass casing. The enclosure didn’t budge and Josh nearly fractured his hand.

With the price of a single reading nowadays, it’s no wonder Zoltar has reinforced glass.

Published by


Do you ever stop to think about how lucky you are to be alive?

4 thoughts on “Disillusioned Voter Turns to Zoltar Fortune Teller for Answers”

  1. A reliable source has informed me that Zoltar was in fact manufactured by Diebold. Go figure.

  2. Groinsniffer has pointed out to me that the winner of the election will be none other than Bill Cosby himself. Why else would he post so many different videos of himself rapping about Pokemon on youtube under various pseudonyms?

    Groinsniffer is not only my attorney, he is my closest ally . I don’t always trust him, but I do trust the voices that he hears. Especially PillowPants.

    By the way, just because Groinsniffer is a homosexualistic man, that doesn’t mean that you is.

    Peace out!

    ***Where the fuck is everyone? 4 months since a post? I better check mac sucks to see bluedamage is still alive or not being held hostage by the Republicanators about their uncovering of the Zoltar election scam….

  3. :mrgreen: Sorry for no updates, it’s been bugging me too. It’s definitely alive, working on some more stories slowly. Haven’t had much time to write lately…. or I mean, pay my staff of writers and independent journalists. Max Power is sitting on an amazing story, but, he keeps changing it. That jerk!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *