“The tragedy of the whole thing is that candles are so beautiful,” Chemist Benjamin Jones exhaustedly affirmed.
Jones was dressed in a Batman costume, however, for the sake of truthful journalism, we decided to hear him out.
“Certain types of candles emit toxic chemicals that nearly train the mind to become malleable. The high concentrations of benzene, toluene, acetone, lead and sometimes even psilocybin in our candles is one of many efforts of controlling the minds of the people.”
Jones has spent quite a bit of time researching and doing testing on candles in his 20 year, government-funded study of the subject. When asked why candles, he responded that, “It is part of a greater plan. I assure you that candles aren’t the only method of mind control with chemicals, specifically here in the US.”
We requested Jones explain to us who the major players are in this soothing game of cerebral governance.
Candle parties, once thought to be just a completely fucking insane display of femininity by men, now look much more sinister from afar.
“You’ll be surprised to know that there is a lot of ‘sponsoring’ going on in the candle consulting industry by secret government agencies; at least from the top. Not that you’ll ever be able to prove it because of how good these guys are.”
According to documents provides to us by Jones, these events are the insidious inception of the scheme.
At candle parties, you generally have your consultant and your host. However, these two roles are rarely the same.
Jones, now clearly sweating through his Batman costume, tried to explain. “In the candle industrial complex, they call this term ‘invasion.’ You separate the host and the supplier because no one feels as comfortable in a strangers house as they do their own. What a better place to shop than your living room? You burn a few candles and BAM. You have the attention of several women holding cash or their husband’s credit card. What’s the easiest way to perpetuate the mind control machine? Make it desirable. And ambrosially deletable.”
The idea seems to sell itself in the same way Amway does. Consultants don’t want to just sell the candles, they want the customers to as well.
“They have a few other tricks up their sleeve like the property of odds. Basically, nothing looks as aesthetically pleasing as multiple candles in odd numbers. An even number of candles doesn’t look as complete or, another candle industry term, ‘official’ as an odd number. It’s their way to always push that extra one. They are full of tricks like this.”
If the government can get away with this modus easily, how easy would it be to tap into our food or water supply without anyone knowing… or even caring?
“The big thing is causation. How can I prove that the candles you have been burning were the trigger that caused the mind control? That’s what I’ve been researching for many years and plan on doing for many more.”
Jones walked out of our office, and needless to say, we blew out all the aromatherapy candles in the office for the last time. The scary part is, no one knew where the candles came from.