Dick Cheney Tells National Archives He’s a Robot

Dick Cheney built from the same materials as the space ships. Well, Dick Cheney is at it again, with his wacky dance moves and delicious homemade cannoli rolls.

However, the latest with the Vice President unfortunately doesn’t involve wacky dancing or cannoli rolls.

Cheney, in order to greasily slip his way out of providing classified information for the National Archives, told them that he a robot. Robots apparently aren’t subject to the same rules and regulations as humans, especially robots that breathe fire.

Cheney’s position is that he is ‘not included in the definition of ‘human’ as set forth in the Order’ and ‘does not consider himself anything else besides ‘a robot only capable of the cold, hard truth,'” a National Archives official David Addington claimed about the now immortal Cheney. “We just don’t know how to deal with him. He’s a monster!”

Other members of the National Archives are also very worried with the latest. “What will he tell us next? That the Vice President isn’t part of the Executive Branch?!” Stan Russo, one of David’s colleagues, told us.

Dick Cheney, obviously furious over having been singled out by David in a city full of corrupt cocksuckers, went hunting for smaller robots. He began crushing Roombas like frisbees and Aibos like fragile chihuahuas.

“It kind of hurts to be outed as a robot,” Cheney told us. “Now I know how that whore Plame feels,” he said in a stern voice.

With each robot he crushed, he began to grow more cheerful. It was either the crushing or the bacon drenched in 5W/30 oil that he efficiently consumed.

“Those bastards will never get these god damn records unless the take them from my cold, dead, metal hands!” Dick Cheney screamed as he hopped into his plug-in Prius, rolled down the windows blasting “This is Why I’m Hot,” and drove off into the sunset.

Fuck you Dick Cheney. That’s my style.

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Do you ever stop to think about how lucky you are to be alive?

4 thoughts on “Dick Cheney Tells National Archives He’s a Robot”

  1. I knew it all those doctors and ambulances hanging around him were just in case he got a screw lose.

  2. I thought you were joking about Cheney driving a Prius. That wouldn’t make sense, would it? I mean, a car with such fuel efficiency would put his friends out of business….

    Then I read the previous article. Spot on! If you drive a hybrid, you’re in league with Cheney!

  3. Where can I buy one of those? We need one to crush a pesky Canada-hating Bill Oreilley robot. After that, maybe we can send them both on a hunting trip and they’ll never come back.

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