Really Scary Chain Letters!

We have been receiving some really scary chain letters, so, I thought I’d post them. We can’t figure out if they are real or not, but, they should be taken seriously because we received them on myspace as a bulletin which is official.

Entitled: A scary way to break up.

****I dont believe this, but i got chill bumps …….

A SCARY WAY TO BREAK UP!!!!! DO NOT stop reading this or something bad will happen!!!!!!!!

One day, Sarah was walking home from school when her boyfriend drove by and honked at her to get in. She got in his car and he drove her to the lake. Her boyfriend said he was going to tell her something very important.

Sarah could have sworn he was going to propose. However, he flicked her off, pushed her in the lake and yelled, “I am breaking up with you, you awful …….!! I hate you and I think that maybe you should just end your ………….. life! DUMB ………………..!!!”

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The Apple Watch Sucks

Watch out world, the Apple Watch sucks. I didn’t think I would ever find a watch that sucks more than my Rolex Submariner, but, here we are. They have failed to innovate again!

Apple has historically sent us free products to test and here’s another one which is going right into the trash. Craig Federighi knows what I’m talking about. Maybe they should have spent less time working on how their virtual trash can looks in OSX Yosemite? Here are a few reasons I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. So, before you go out and spend more of your hard earned dollars on this useless piece of crap, please read.

First off, the Watch can’t tell time. Aren’t watches supposed to tell time? The last time I checked, they were. I think this was a large oversight in the design process and Apple is definitely going to get some backlash over this. For example, take this discussion I had earlier with the watch.

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Koch Brothers No Longer Denying Climate Change

It’s common knowledge the Koch brothers are financially entangled in denying climate change. Up until recently, they are one of the two largest supporters of climate science denial, sitting proudly next to Exxon Mobil. At a summit in Washington DC, David Koch of Koch Industries is officially changing his position on denying climate change and even providing a much needed solution to the problem.

“We’ve realized over the past few months the science is sound. The figures are facts. The denial is done,” David Koch huffed into the microphone in a room full of Tea Party supporters.

Moans and groans filled the audience, mostly because of how COLD it was last winter. How do you even explain that if global warming is real?

Speculators have speculated David Koch was feeling the pressure from the media and environmental groups and had to take action. In a recent study on Science Stuff Magazine Monthly, scientists confirmed David Koch is directly and personally responsible for a large part of man-made climate change. It is reported the air coming from the David Koch’s mouth is roughly 300 times more potent than methane as a heat-trapping gas.

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The Three Main Reasons Why Macs Suck (Part 3)

So yeah, I got a Mac. And I have some new reasons why Macs suck. I fucking hate this stupid ass thing. I’m about ready to literally throw it in the trash and get a Surface Pro XP, those things are awesome! My friend has one and there are a million apps for it!

I think Macs suck hard and here are more reasons to not buy one and avoid them at all costs.

First things first, no games! Where are the games on this thing? I googled “games mac” on bing and what came back was shocking: nothing. 0 results.

What the fuck Apple? If the smooth talking techno dude with the beard at the the Apple store had told me there were no games for it, I would have told him to shove it. I need my damn minesweeper! How else am I supposed to distract my children from my failed marriage?

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Apple Buying Beats for 3.2 Billion, Why? Synergy?

Wow, so, Apple, the company with the “UI” expert Tim Ive, think they can just buy Beats and form synergy? They are seriously being misled by Tim. Why Tim? Why would you do this? Purchase the second shittiest company in existance as the first shittiest company in the world?

The Beats Music app is terrible in it’s own way and probably needs it’s own post. The last time I used that crap it was three straight hours of Gloria Estefan.

Um, I had already listened to her all morning. It was annoying.

Let’s talk about Beats headphones–they’re garbage for a few reasons. The first reason is this stupid ass banana plug adapter. Am I supposed to just have a dual banana plug to 1/8″ stereo (two mono channels) lying around? I mean, I did, but, that’s besides the point. Why make things so much more difficult for their users?

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New Firefox Extension Makes The Mundane Thrilling, Sexy

“I closed that tab about halfway into the second paragraph,” shouts Tray Barton, self proclaimed internet ADD sufferer. “I mean, all of the information on the internet excites me to the point of climax, but… I can never get through an article without spacing out and navigating away from the page to find more demotivational posters.”

Tray, like most internetters, has the attention span of a 6 year old on microdots. But all of that is about to change with a new, innovative Firefox extension.

The programmer, Charlie Woods, expounded upon the new extension which is due to be released early next year. Now with moar screenshots!

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Disillusioned Voter Turns to Zoltar Fortune Teller for Answers

Zoltan Voting Machine Ever wonder why the system only produces horrible, unaccountable candidates for president? Many of us are aware of the lesser of two evils principle: the idea that of two bad choices, one isn’t as bad as the other, and should be chosen over the one that is a greater threat.

A confused twenty-something living in Manhattan, Josh Hanks, was sick of looking for the answers and consoled in the advice of a Zoltar Fortune Telling machine.

Josh looked stunned at the price of one reading. “I remember as a child you could deposit 5 cents and get a reading… 75 cents seems pushing it,” Josh told us.

The quarters clinked callously through the inner workings of the heartless robot, slowly grinding our prophet to life. Josh stood back, ready for the cold, hard truth.

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Government Mind Control Infiltrates Candle Party

Candles are evil.

“The tragedy of the whole thing is that candles are so beautiful,” Chemist Benjamin Jones exhaustedly affirmed.

Jones was dressed in a Batman costume, however, for the sake of truthful journalism, we decided to hear him out.

“Certain types of candles emit toxic chemicals that nearly train the mind to become malleable. The high concentrations of benzene, toluene, acetone, lead and sometimes even psilocybin in our candles is one of many efforts of controlling the minds of the people.”

Jones has spent quite a bit of time researching and doing testing on candles in his 20 year, government-funded study of the subject. When asked why candles, he responded that, “It is part of a greater plan. I assure you that candles aren’t the only method of mind control with chemicals, specifically here in the US.”

We requested Jones explain to us who the major players are in this soothing game of cerebral governance.

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CIA Goes Web 2.0

The internet has a lot of information on it… well, that’s an understatement. It is estimated to have over 1,000 floppy disks worth of data just throughout America alone. How would a CIA agent go through all that information to find potential threats, leads on important cases and squash out conspiracy theories that might have a bit of truth to them? “You go web 2.0,” an undercover CIA operative tells us. That’s right, the CIA has infiltrated your social networking sites.

“We’ve been watching the internet for a while, but, now it’s really time to get involved. It’s great stuff. Not only can I search for, find, link to and tag anti-government propaganda with ease, I can search through a database of all of it quickly with Google Blogsearch,” our blurry, mosaic operative told tells us. It’s true. We discovered that our CIA guy was indeed using del.icio.us to tag all of his findings. When questioned why he would use a public service, he told us, “We do stupid things like that all of the time. Remember the Bin Laden video a few weeks back? Yeah, we played that before Al-Queda released it, tipping them off to the fact we had undercover agents intercepting their communications. Oops!”

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